“I’ve gotta take a little time,
A little time to think things over.
I better read between the lines,
In case I need it when I’m older.
This mountain I must climb,
Feels like a world upon my shoulders,
Through the clouds, I see love shine,
Keeps me warm as life grows colder.”
—Foreigner, I Want To Know What Love Is
In this post, we’ll continue the previous post looking at the second distorted viewpoint regarding sex and sexuality.
Three Distorted Viewpoints on Sex and Sexuality:
1. Sex is “god”.
2. Sex is just an APPETITE. It’s just PHYSICAL.
This was the viewpoint Paul was addressing in 1 Corinthians 6.
13 You know the old saying, “First you eat to live, and then you live to eat”? Well, it may be true that the body is only a temporary thing, but that’s no excuse for stuffing your body with food, or indulging it with sex. —1 Cor 6:13 MSG
Evidently, there were people in the church at Corinth like people in the world today, who viewed sex the same way they view eating, drinking or any other natural appetite. If you feel the urge, then you need to satisfy it. It doesn’t really matter who’s “restaurant” you eat at. You should feel the freedom to satisfy an appetite any time you have it. In fact, there’s no reason you shouldn’t sample a variety of “cuisines” and be on the constant look out for new sensations.
This viewpoint says, “Sex is an unavoidable, dominant and natural drive, desire or craving. It would be unnatural to suppress it. Forbidding the satisfaction of a natural appetite or limiting it for years is about as unnatural, unhealthy and impossible as trying to stop eating for years.”
HOOKED: The Brain Science On How Casual Sex
Affects Human Relationships
Dr. Joe McIlhaney, Jr. is a board certified, OB/GYN. In 2001, he was appointed to the Presidential Advisory Council on HIV/AIDS. In 1995, he left his private practice of 28 years to devote his full time attention to founding, leading and working with the Medical Institute for Sexual Health, an organization he founded in 1992.[1]
In 2008, he and Dr. Freda McKissic Bush, another board certified OB/GYN wrote a book titled, Hooked: New Science on How Casual Sex is Affecting Our Children. [2] They updated and re-released the book in 2019 under a slightly different title, Hooked: The Brain Science On How Casual Sex Affects Human Relationships. [3]
In their book, through scientific data they demonstrate that…
- Sexual activity releases chemicals in the brain that create lasting emotional bonds between sex partners. [4]
- Breaking these bonds can cause depression and make it harder to bond with someone else in the future… [5]
Pastor and author, Levi Lusko, in his book, Swipe Right, compares the bond to a “post-it note.” Lusko writes:
“The more times you pull up a Post-it note and attempt to re-stick it, the less powerful the adhesive becomes. Like a frequently moved Post-it note… …the more people to whom you attach your Post-it note, the less staying power a sexual relationship will have.” —Levi Lusko, Swipe Right [6]
McIlhaney and Bush would say that the bond that occurs in sex is much more deeply profound than the adhesive on a post-it note, but hopefully you get the point.
Further, they write:
- The chemicals released in the brain during sex can become addictive. (By the way, this is one of the reasons pornography can be so deadly and destructive.) [7]
Three of the most profound statements they make in the book are the following:
“…sex is more than a momentary physical act. It produces powerful, even lifelong, changes in our brains that direct and influence our future to a surprising degree.” [8]
“When sex is experienced in healthy ways it adds great value and satisfaction to life, but when experienced in unhealthy ways, at the wrong time, it can damage vital aspects of who we are as human beings.” [9]
“Some of the greatest damage done by society’s casual view of sex is the separation of the sex act from the rest of what we are. Not only has this view lessened the enjoyment of sex, it has hurt us as humans in one of the most fundamental aspects of our beings: our need for connectedness with another. Because sex is the most intimate connection we can have with another person, it requires the integration of all we are into that sexual involvement—our bodies, our emotions, our love, our commitment, our integrity—for all of our years. If sex is less than this, it is simply an animal act. Sex of this type can make a person “feel” close to their partner when truly they are not. Sex devoid of relationship focuses on the physical and can actually inhibit the best kind of growth in intimacy.” [10]
Some Important Questions To Consider
Andy Stanley, in his book, The New Rules of Love, Sex and Dating, shares a series of questions that get to the heart of this idea. I’ve tweaked the questions below. Stanley challenges us to think things through.
“If sex is just physical… If it’s nothing more than an appetite and carries no lasting implications, then…”
“Why is it that when a child is sexually abused, that abuse sometimes haunts them for decades? Why is it so difficult for them to shake the pain of that abuse off?”
You can’t answer, “Because they were betrayed by an authority figure.” That’s a given… Kids get betrayed by authority figures all the time… (In fact, unfortunately, I’ve broken promises that I’ve made to my own kids.) But sexual abuse is different. It’s different because sex is more than an appetite. [11]
“Why is rape so much more devasting than being assaulted or beaten up? I mean, if sex is just physical, then the pain of rape shouldn’t be any different than the pain of being physically assaulted, but it is. In fact, it’s often life altering. Why? Because sex isn’t just physical. It’s more than an appetite.” Or,
“Why is adultery so hard for a marriage to survive? I mean, if sex is just an appetite, and appetites need to be satiated, why is adultery so devasting to a marriage? If sex is just physical, why aren’t open marriages all the rage? Why does infidelity shake even the most irreligious of us to the core? And, why are a growing number of psychologists talking and writing about the dangers of polyamory?”
“Further, if sex is only physical, why is it so difficult for engaged couples to share their sexual histories with each other? Whether we were brought up in religious environments or not, why do we seem to carry a significant amount of shame when it comes to our sexual history?”
“Finally, why is it that when most people talk about their greatest regrets, the list almost always involves something sexual?”
Do you see the difficulty of saying that sex is just an appetite or just physical when you think through the answers to questions like the ones listed above?
Maybe answering those questions is difficult because of something we all know deep down intuitively to be true; and that is that sex is more than appetite. Yes, it’s physical, but it’s more than that! It’s emotional, psychological and it is deeply spiritual.
Your sexuality is tied to your soul!
Your sexuality is tied to your soul. This is why it can be devasting when this aspect of your personhood is mishandled, misused or wielded as a weapon. Sex and your sexuality is a very important and fragile aspect of who you are, and it needs to be protected, honored, valued and cherished.
Paul addressed this subject in 1 Corinthians 6. I love the way The Message translates verses 16-17.
16-20 There’s more to sex than mere skin on skin. Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact. As written in Scripture, “The two become one.” Since we want to become spiritually one with the Master, we must not pursue the kind of sex that avoids commitment and intimacy, leaving us more lonely than ever—the kind of sex that can never “become one.” —1 Corinthians 6:16-17 MSG
Paul is letting us know that our potential for relational intimacy is directly tied to what we believe and how we behave when it comes to sexual intimacy. Sex without intimacy is hollow.
Even the great philosopher, Miley Cyrus, described it like this:
“[Having sex] is easy. You can find someone to [have sex with] in five seconds. We want to find someone we can talk to. And be ourselves with. That’s fairly slim pickings.” —Miley Cyrus [12]
Deep down we all long for intimacy. This is our heart’s cry.
Our body cries out for sex because our soul
cries out for intimacy.
In 1 Cor 6:16-17, Paul is challenging us, “Don’t give your soul a substitute!”
Erwin McManus described it like this in his book, Soul Cravings.
“Sex can be the most intimate and beautiful expression of love, but we are only lying to ourselves when we act as if sex is proof of love. Too many men demand sex as proof of love; too many women have given sex in hopes of love. We live in a world of users where we abuse each other to dull the pain of aloneness. We all long for intimacy, and physical contact can appear as intimacy, at least for a moment.
“Is there any moment that feels more filled with loneliness than the second after having sex with someone who cares nothing about you?
“There is no such thing as free sex. It always comes at a cost. With it, either you give your heart, or you give your soul. It seems you can have sex without giving love, but you can’t have sex without giving a part of yourself.
“When sex is an act of love, it is a gift. When sex is a substitute for love, it is a trap.” —Erwin McManus [13]
BOOM! Sex is more than an appetite. It’s not just physical.
Interestingly enough, Paul ends the section of sex and sexuality in 1 Corinthians 6 with a pretty straight forward challenge for believers. Once again, we’ll quote it from The Message.
There is a sense in which sexual sins are different from all others. In sexual sin we violate the sacredness of our own bodies, these bodies that were made for God-given and God-modeled love, for “becoming one” with another. Or didn’t you realize that your body is a sacred place, the place of the Holy Spirit? Don’t you see that you can’t live however you please, squandering what God paid such a high price for? The physical part of you is not some piece of property belonging to the spiritual part of you. God owns the whole works. So let people see God in and through your body.
—1 Corinthians 6:18-20 MSG
Sex was created for “God-given and God-modeled love, for ‘becoming one’ with another.” Your body is a “sacred place, the place of the Holy Spirit.”
So far, we’ve covered two distorted viewpoints we have to overcome if we want to experience the kind of intimacy God created us to experience.
- Sex is not god. [Not even close…]
- Sex is more than just an appetite. It’s not just physical. [It affects emotionally, psychologically and spiritually.]
Do either of these distorted viewpoints connect with the way that you may have viewed sex? What changes is the Holy Spirit challenging you to make regarding the way you view this important topic?
Be sure to check back for our next post when we’ll share the third distorted viewpoint we need to overcome.
[1] https://www.moodypublishers.com/authors/m/joe-s-mcilhaney-jr-/
[2]https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0802450601/ref=dbs_a_def_rwt_bibl_vppi_i1
[3] https://www.amazon.com/Hooked-Science-Casual-Affects-Development-ebook/dp/B07F7QKL7V/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=
[4] McIlhaney, Joe S. . Hooked (pgs. 24, 32, 34-35, 42, 44). Moody Publishers. Kindle Edition.
[5] McIlhaney, Joe S., Hooked, p 41
[6] Lusko, Levi. Swipe Right: The Life-and-Death Power of Sex and Romance (pp. 40-42). Thomas Nelson. Kindle Edition.
[7] McIlhaney, Joe S., Hooked, p 32. This theme shows up several places in the book.
[8] McIlhaney, Joe S. . Hooked (p. 21). Moody Publishers. Kindle Edition.
[9] McIlhaney, Joe S. . Hooked (p. 8). Moody Publishers. Kindle Edition.
[10] McIlhaney, Joe S. . Hooked (p. 107). Moody Publishers. Kindle Edition. (In this sentence, Dr. McIlhaney quotes the work of M. Reynaud, L. Karila, L. Blecha and A. Benyamia, “Is Love Passion an Addictive Disorder?” The American Journal of Drug and Alcohol Abuse 36 (2010): 261-67.
[11] Andy Stanley, The New Rules of Love, Sex and Dating, Kindle Edition, pages 133-137
[12] Nancy Pearcy, Love Thy Body, Kindle Edition, p 119 quoting an article in Time Magazine by Katy Steinmetz.
[13] Erwin McManus, Soul Cravings, Kindle Edition, p 33.