John Gottman has done some of the most important research on marriage ever conducted. Through his extensive research, Gottman indicates that he can predict with stunning accuracy — well over 90% — within just a few minutes of meeting a married couple, whether or not that couple will divorce.
One of the telltale signs that a couple is heading for divorce is the presence of what Gottman calls, “the four horsemen of the apocalypse.” He calls them “the four horsemen” because if they’re allowed to run rampant they’re absolutely LETHAL and DEVASTATING to a marriage.
What are the four horsemen?
Horseman #1: CRITICISM
You’ll always have some complaints about the person you live with. But there’s a world of difference between a complaint and criticism.
A COMPLAINT is comprised of three basic parts: (1) Here’s how I FEEL; (2) About a very specific SITUATION; (3) And, here’s what I NEED / WANT / PREFER. Complaints are very specific and are almost always accompanied by a possible solution.
CRITICISM, on the other hand is more global and expresses negative feelings and opinions about the other person’s character or personality.
It’s important that you have the freedom to share a complaint with your spouse, but when complaints escalate to character assassination, unless you and your spouse commit to making course correction, CRITICISM could signal the beginning of the end for your marriage.
Has criticism become a pattern in your relationship?
Horseman #2: CONTEMPT
CONTEMPT is fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts about your spouse. It involves a sense or feeling of superiority over your spouse and is form of disrespect. It’s expressed by things like sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, insults, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, ridicule and hostile humor. It conveys not just disapproval, but actual disgust. It is devastating to a marriage.
It’s interesting that Gottman found that people in relationships where CONTEMPT is PERVASIVE are more likely to suffer from infectious illnesses like colds, the flu, and so on than others. Evidently, living in an environment of constant contempt actually wears down your immune system.
Is contempt an issue in your marriage?
Horseman #3: DEFENSIVENESS
DEFENSIVENESS is a way of blaming your spouse for every problem. It denies responsibility, makes excuses and basically says, “The problem isn’t me, it’s you…”
“Yeah, I know I did that, but look at who I’m married to…”
“Of course, I’m moody, but have you considered how hard it is living with someone like you?”
UNREPENTANT PEOPLE make for challenging and difficult spouses. On other hand, spouses who cultivate a REPENTANT HEART and learn to say, “You’re right. I’m sorry. I sinned. I blew it. Please forgive me.” foster a culture where unity and togetherness can flourish.
Are you able to admit mistakes, say “I’m sorry,” and ask for forgiveness? Or, are defensive whenever your spouses brings up an issue?
Horseman #4: STONEWALLING
Although both husbands and wives can stonewall, research indicates that stonewalling is for more common among MEN than women.
A stonewaller simply refuses to respond. They shut down, tune out and disengage. They don’t provide feedback to their spouse on the conflict or dialogue occurring. Instead, a stonewaller will often look away or down without saying a word. They sit impassive like a stone wall, acting as though they could care less about what their spouse is saying, even if they hear it.
When stonewalling becomes a habit it degenerates into both spouses learning to live separate, individual, parallel and lonely lives.
Are you prone to stonewall, ignore, shut down, tune out or disengage from conflict or d difficult conversation? Or, do you intentionally and lovingly listen, respond and work towards connection with your spouse?
Check out Gottman’s Four Horsemen one more time.
- CRITICISM
- CONTEMPT
- DEFENSIVENESS
- STONEWALLING
Are any of these horsemen present in your marriage?
How will you and your spouse begin to address that specific horseman?
Paul gives the following challenge to every follower of Jesus in Ephesians 4:29-32.
29 Watch the way you talk. Let nothing foul or dirty come out of your mouth. Say only what helps, each word a gift.
30 Don’t grieve God. Don’t break his heart. His Holy Spirit, moving and breathing in you, is the most intimate part of your life, making you fit for himself. Don’t take such a gift for granted.
31-32 Make a clean break with all cutting, backbiting, profane talk. Be gentle with one another, sensitive. Forgive one another as quickly and thoroughly as God in Christ forgave you. —EPHESIANS 4:29-32 MSG
CULTURE in a marriage, family, home and relationship is created
by DEFAULT or DESIGN.
You can begin DESIGNING a culture of affirmation, encouragement, unity and togetherness by intentionally eliminating each HORSEMAN and cultivating an atmosphere of intentional encouragement, unconditional love, relentless grace, periodic repentance, Christ-like forgiveness and dynamic communication.
To learn more about Gottman’s “four horsemen” check out his excellent book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. While not a specifically “Christian” or biblically-centered book, it does contain so many profound insights that are very helpful for building a healthy marriage.