Bite The Bullet – Part 3
There are at least five keys to the friendship of Ruth and Naomi. These keys describe how we can build a “Bite The Bullet” friendship — a friendship that endures, regardless of what life throws at it.
1. Take it SLOW. Covenant friendships can’t be rushed. They require SLOW, steady and sustained commitment.
Again, the expression “bite the bullet” was an expression that originated from the practice of a patient clenching a bullet between their teeth as a way of coping with pain when anesthesia wasn’t available. It describes the willingness of someone to endure necessary pain because they see something of promise on the other side of that pain. (See Part 1 in this blog series.)
Ruth was a friend who was willing to “bite the bullet” for Naomi. She allowed Naomi the time and emotional bandwidth necessary to process her pain while moving towards healing.
Ruth seemed to understand that it may be difficult or challenging for Naomi to give and receive love — even friendship — because of all the devastating loss she had experienced. Ruth didn’t attempt to rush the relationship. She didn’t check out when things got difficult or challenging. She chose to love anyway. She chose to stay anyway!
Over the last twelve months I’ve seen people check out of relationships for all kinds of reasons. (By the way, this is not a statement about ending an unhealthy, toxic relationship where it may be physically, emotionally or mentally necessary to separate and get some distance between yourself and that relationship.) I’m writing about friendships that have “covenant potential,” but were prematurely ended due to trivial things like differences of opinion when it comes to politics or approaches to COVID, or simply an unwillingness to be patient with one another because of the different ways we all process frustration, pain and loss.
As a pastor, I’ve watched people exit a church and end relationships with church friends because they disagreed with something someone did or said, had a misunderstanding with someone or just got ticked over the most insignificant of issues. My heart grieves for every person involved, because I know that we pay a spiritual, emotional and psychological price when we dispose of relationships casually, without pursuing options that may lead to healing and restoration.
We desperately need to get back to being friends like Ruth! When it came to her relationship with Naomi, she took it slow. She understood that covenant friendships require slow, steady and sustained commitment for the long haul.
2. Let it GROW. Covenant friendships GROW in the soil of organic and authentic faith.
Naomi’s faith wasn’t perfect, but it was definitely REAL. In fact, at some point, her faith had been real, authentic and vibrant enough that it caused Ruth to turn her back on everything she had known and loved and give herself in full devotion to God and to her friend.
The word organic gets used a lot today. But it’s defined as “relating to or derived from living matter.” You could say, “Organic means real as opposed to processed, manufactured or modified.”
If a “friendship” is going to grow it’s got to be based in “living matter.” In other words, covenant friendships are grown in the soil of a real, raw and authentic faith, not a “processed or manufactured” faith. Real faith.
Early on in their relationship, Naomi had faith that covered her family, even thru their losses. As the book of Ruth progresses, Ruth’s faith seems to become a source of life, encouragement, inspiration, hope and healing for Naomi. Relationships flourish in this kind of reciprocity.
By the way, Naomi’s faith, even when she says difficult things about God, is never reprimanded in the book — not by Ruth or by God. This is so important to point out because it reminds us that God can handle our pain. God can handle our questions. Even the difficult ones.
As I’ve mentioned before, Naomi is the female equivalent of Job.
Recently, I’ve been reading through the book of Job, and in Job 6:14, Job makes an incredible statement about the importance of friends and how friends should respond when a friend is having a crisis of faith.
Here’s the passage from The Message.
When desperate people give up on God Almighty, their friends, at least, should stick with them… —Job 6:14 MSG
That verse so gripped me when it appeared in my Bible reading plan several days ago, that I had to stop and look the verse up in various translations.
The Message arrested me because it indicates that real friends don’t leave or check out on a relationship when their friend is struggling with or even abandons their faith in God.
Ruth was that kind of friend to Naomi. Even when Naomi made statements like, “…the Lord himself has raised his fist against me” (Ruth 1:13b), Ruth stayed and stuck with Naomi, giving her friend space to vertically vent all of her pain to God.
The New American Standard Bible translates the verse slightly different.
“For the despairing man there should be kindness from his friend; So that he does not abandon the fear of the Almighty.” —Job 6:14 NASB
Did you get that?
When the translators of the NASB worked with the Hebrew in this passage they felt that the passage meant something like this: my loyal friendship to someone who is struggling and suffering can sometimes be the very thing God uses to keep that person from throwing away their faith. That’s why covenant friends are willing to take it slow and let it grow.
Are you that kind of friend? A friend who lives the truth of 1 Corinthians 13:4:
“Love is patient, love is kind…” —1 Cor 13:4 NLT
“Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self…” —1 Cor 13:4 MSG
There’s one more translation of Job 6:14 that I found stunning. It’s the NIV.
Anyone who withholds kindness from a friend forsakes the fear of the Almighty. —Job 6:14 NIV
Wow! Now this one completely shook me. In this translation, Job seems to indicate that the way I treat my struggling friends says volumes about what I really believe about God. When I “withhold kindness” — by the way, remember, the word “kindness” is a covenant word… When I “withhold kindness” from a friend, I’m abandoning my reverence for God! That should stop us dead in our tracks.
When we “withhold kindness from a friend” [we] “forsake the fear of the Almighty.”
As Keith Jackson was prone to say, “Whoa, Nellie!”
Why? Why is the way we treat our friends so important to God? Because…
…people matter to God and they’ve got to matter to you and me!
The friendship of Ruth and Naomi was grounded in the soil of real, raw, organic and authentic faith.
3. Make it SHOW. Covenant friends SHOW their love and loyalty thru their actions, not just their intentions.
Love is an action verb. It’s something you do, not just something you feel or intend to do. John described it like this:
Dear children, let’s not merely say that we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions. —1 John 3:18 NLT
Orpah, Ruth’s sister-in-law, had really good intentions. But, when push came to shove, she kissed Naomi and walked away. Ruth, on the other hand, clung tightly to Naomi and refused to let go. She stayed (v 14).
Here’s an important question to ask yourself as you survey your relationships:
Which kind of friend are you? A kisser or a cleaver? The kind of friend who walks or the kind of friend who stays?
Here’s a reality we often overlook:
We tend to judge ourselves by our intentions and others by their actions.
Have you noticed this?
But relationships are always a by-product of our actions, not just our feelings or intentions. The takeaway is simple, but profound:
Become the kind of friend you want to have.
If you want a good friend, be a good friend!
If you want a “got your six” covenant friend, be a “got your six” covenant friend.
If you want a great marriage, be the change you want to experience.
If you want your spouse to be more thoughtful, start being more thoughtful.
If you want your spouse to be more affectionate, start being more affectionate.
I’m aware that sometimes relationships can be challenging. But the promise of Galatians 6 is that, “…we will reap a harvest if we do not give up…”
Ruth was so intentional in the way she related to Naomi. She understood that covenant friends SHOW their love and loyalty thru their actions, not just by their intentions. Ruth became the friend she wanted to have. The result was that she experienced the kind of friendship we all hope for.
4. Remember what you KNOW. Covenant friends KNOW you deeply and believe in you relentlessly, even when you’re not your best.
One of the most incredible qualities about Ruth was her ability to listen beyond just the words that Naomi said, to the heart, longings and needs of the woman who said those words, and to believe in her even when Naomi struggled to believe in God and couldn’t believe in herself. God used the tenacious faith and obedience of Ruth to transform her older friend’s life.
I love what Christian author and counselor, Larry Crabb writes in his book on relationships titled, Connecting. Crabb writes:
When two people connect…something is poured out of one and into the other that has the power to heal the soul of its deepest wounds and restore it to health. The one who receives experiences the joy of being healed. The one who gives knows the even greater joy of being used to heal. —Larry Crabb, Connecting
That’s what Naomi and Ruth did for each other! It’s what covenant friends always do!
5. Let it GO. You can’t build relationships in the present while holding on to the pain of your past.
One of the greatest Christian writers of the last century was a man named C.S. Lewis. When Lewis was only nine years old, his mom died. The pain of that loss was so severe that as Lewis grew, he arranged his life and his relationships so that he would never have to experience that kind loss and hurt again.
Later in life, Lewis became a devoted Christian, a brilliant writer and a serious thinker, but he continued to lead a careful and guarded life. When he was in his late fifties, something incredible happened to this very guarded man. Lewis fell in love. He got married to a lady by the name of Joy Davidman.
For the first time in years, Lewis embraced the wonder of love and let go of the fear of being hurt. Unfortunately, as his relationship with his wife flourished, she developed a terminal disease. It went into remission for a while. But eventually returned and Joy passed.
While Lewis was in the middle of all that relational fear and pain, this brilliant and careful man wrote these amazing words that still move us.
“There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket – safe, dark, motionless, airless – it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.” —C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves
Lewis then offered this incredible piece of insight:
“We shall draw nearer to God, not by trying to avoid the sufferings inherent in all loves, but by accepting them and offering them [back] to Him; throwing away all defensive armour.” —C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves
Not long after writing those words, Lewis suffered the heartbreak of Joy’s death, yet he somehow managed to live the truth of what he had already written.
Somehow Lewis let go of the pain, doubt, fear, frustration and anger that he could have rightly held on to. And, he accepted “the sufferings inherent in all love…and offered them back to God.”
Ruth and Naomi lived all that Lewis described.
If you forced me to make shorter an already really short book of the Bible, I would sum up the book of Ruth like this:
- Chapter 1 — Home girls need a friend. Naomi finds a friend in Ruth. Neither will be the same.
- Chapter 2 — Boy meets girl. Boaz meets Ruth. His world is rocked. He won’t be the same.
- Chapter 3 — Girl puts her red dress on, proposes to the boy, and the boy makes up his mind, “I’ve got to marry this girl. She is fine.”
- Chapter 4 — Girl and boy get married. Girl has a baby boy. Girl’s best friend becomes a grandmother. And, girl’s faith, coupled with God’s promise, transforms grandma’s bitterness into blessing.
What a story! Seriously, you’ve got to read this book!
Here’s a glimpse of the way Ruth’s devotion, faithfulness and belief in her friend, transformed Naomi. It’s recorded in Ruth 4.
13 Boaz married Ruth. She became his wife. Boaz slept with her. By God’s gracious gift she conceived and had a son.
14-15 The town women said to Naomi, “Blessed be God! He didn’t leave you without family to carry on your life. May this baby grow up to be famous in Israel! He’ll make you young again! He’ll take care of you in old age. —Ruth 4:13-15 MSG
Time out?
Back in Ruth 1, Naomi referred to herself as an “old woman.” Right? But now the women in Bethlehem talk about “old age” as being something in Naomi’s future. What has changed?
I believe that the persistent, ridiculous, unrelenting faith of Naomi’s younger friend, Ruth, somehow helped Naomi to “turn back time.”
A great friendship has that kind of effect! Remember what Crabb wrote:
When two people connect…something is poured out of one and into the other that has the power to heal the soul of its deepest wounds and restore it to health… —Larry Crabb
Something in the soul of Ruth helped to heal and restore the soul of Naomi!
This is the kind of friendship we all need!
The story continues…
“And this daughter-in-law who has brought him into the world and loves you so much, why, she’s worth more to you than seven sons!” —Ruth 4:15b
Again, remember Chapter 1? After returning to Bethlehem, Naomi said that she had went away full, but God had brought her back home empty, completely oblivious to the reality of Ruth’s covenant friendship?
Now, the women in the town affirm the value, worth and friendship of Ruth, not by minimizing Naomi’s loss, but by saying, “This girl is a gift. This girl who loves you so much! She’s a gift…”
Verses 16-17 continue:
16 Naomi took the baby and held him in her arms, cuddling him, cooing over him, waiting on him hand and foot.
17 The neighborhood women started calling him “Naomi’s baby boy!” But his real name was Obed. Obed was the father of Jesse, and Jesse the father of David. —Ruth 4:15b-17 MSG
What an incredible story!
Want a picture of what redemption looks like?
The names of Naomi’s two sons were Mahlon — “sickness”, and, Killion — “failing, dying or wasting away.” The name of her grandson, whom she evidently raised as a son was “Obed,” which means, “servant of God.”
Even the names of Naomi’s sons and grandson speak to her redemption. God took her from a life defined as “sickness, failing, dying and wasting away” and reminded her that through it all she was a “servant of God.”
Did Naomi ever forget Elimelech, Mahlon and Killion?
I don’t think so… How could she? She lived with that loss for the rest of her life. But she also lived with an awareness that peace and joy aren’t a by-product of the absence of pain, problems and loss in life. They’re the result of living in the presence of God and experiencing the power of God that gives us the strength to face our pain and loss with a deep-seated confidence that God is always working everything together for our ultimate good and His great glory (See Romans 8)!
Through God’s grace and the gift of a faithful friend, Naomi learned to live again, laugh again and love again!
God used the faithful, loyal, “bite-the-bullet” friendship of Ruth to heal Naomi’s heart and to restore her faith. When nobody else could see a youthful, faith-filled, joyful woman hanging out in the skin of Naomi, Ruth saw it! She saw who Naomi really was and loved her back to life!
We can learn so much from Ruth and Naomi. Here are a few closing insights a friend recently shared with me as we wrap up this post:
- Ruth “bit the bullet” and stuck with her person.
Let’s recover the value of sticking with our people — even when they’re different; especially when they’re grieving; even when their faith is challenging. Don’t bail. Take it slow! Let it grow!
- Naomi and Ruth kept moving forward.
We can’t afford get stuck in the mire of self-pity. If it takes everything we are and all the energy we have, we must keep moving forward. Let it go.
- Ruth went to work.
Ruth refused to give in to complacency. She didn’t just sit back and wait for life to happen. She understood that love gets expressed in our actions, not just our intentions. She went to work. She demonstrated her love through her actions. Make it show.
- She showed honor.
Ruth believed in the principle: “Honor up. Honor down. Honor all around.” Honor is prevalent in the book of Ruth. Ruth honored Naomi. Boaz honored Ruth and Naomi. Ruth honored Boaz. God honored them all. It’s amazing what God does when we walk in honor. Remember what you know…
- Ruth was humble enough to learn and take advice.
Ruth leaned on the insight and wisdom of Naomi. We’re moving in the right direction when we are willing to humble ourselves and listen to the insight and wisdom of trusted friends.
- Ruth and Naomi were brave enough to start again!
Some of us have lost a lot this past year: jobs, people, dreams and hope. But your life isn’t over – even if it looks like it is. We need to be brave enough to start over, start again, believing that God will do something new.
That’s what a “bite the bullet” kind of friendship looks like.
HOMEWORK
ACTIVATION #1: Review “The Five Keys of a ‘Bite The Bullet’ Covenant Friendship below and rate yourself on how you’re doing with each key in the three most important relationships you have.
Rate yourself on a scale of 1-10, 7 is not an option. The point? If you’re 8 or above in any key, celebrate that strength. If you’re 6 or below in any key, realize you’ve got room to grow. Determine one action step you can take today to move you towards improvement in that area.
The Five Keys of a “Bite The Bullet,” Covenant Friendship
- Take it SLOW. Covenant friendships can’t be rushed. They require SLOW, steady and sustained commitment.
- Let it GROW. Covenant friendships GROW in the soil of organic and authentic faith.
- Make it SHOW. Covenant friends SHOW their love and loyalty thru their actions, not just their intentions.
- Remember what you KNOW. Covenant friends KNOW you completely and believe in you relentlessly, even when you’re not your best.
- Let it GO. You can’t build relationships in the present while holding on to the pain of your past.
ACTIVATION #2: Ask God to reveal someone in your life who is having a “Naomi” type moment (someone stuck in their sadness and/or loss). Now, respond by doing the following:
- Pray for them.
- Proactively reach out and connect with them.
- Remind them of who they are.
ACTIVATION #3: Think of someone who has been a “Ruth” type person to you. Send them a text/email or give them a call to thank them for believing in you when you couldn’t believe in yourself.